What I've Learned From My Long Distance Relationship

Relationships and PTSD

Unfortunately, PTSD is an extremely common condition in men and women serving in the military. These men and women can suffer for years after they've returned from war, and feel hopeless and helpless in their fight. However, it does not have to be that way.  Please visit this article published by the U.S Department of Veterans Affairs. It outlines different kinds of traumas the military member may have experienced, and how family and friends can help. Our veterans are heroes, and they deserve help and support upon returning home. While we may not understand fully the trauma they may have suffered, we can still do all that we can to make the transition back to civilian life as smooth as possible.

Let It Go

Just a little something to make you smile. (: Not everything about the military is all work and no play. Watch this group of marines sing along to the popular Let It Go, featured in Disney's Frozen. Stick it out til the end. I promise it's worth it.

Love in Wartime

Thus far, I have shared advice, articles, and ideas pertaining to modern military and long-distance relationships. But, I thought it would be fun to take a look at some love stories that took place in the past; WWII specifically. In one of the most tumultuous times in our world's history, these brave couples found love despite all odds. Take a look at these inspiring stories, and maybe they will give you hope in your own personal love story.

Love in Wartime

Gift Ideas

Don't know what to send your military love as a gift? Do they have a birthday coming up, or maybe an anniversary? It can be tough coming up with fun and creative ideas to send, and full on care packages aren't always feasible. Well, here are a list of links for websites and other blogs with ideas for unique and fun gifts! Everything from letters, to pictures, to homemade crafts! You are sure to find something special that your long distance partner will love and cherish.

• http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2014/04/07/diy-heart-map-art/
• http://jomygosh.com/2015/02/open-when-letter-topics-deployment-separation/
• http://vividgiftideas.com/2014/04/10/gift-ideas-for-military-men/
• http://thecozyoldfarmhouse.blogspot.de/2013/10/diy-sharpie-mug-does-it-really-work.html
• http://quirkyinspired.com/military-homecoming-ideas/
• 
  

The Hope Line

The Hope Line is typically thought of to be suicide/self-harm help line. But did you know that they are there to assist and give advice on any problem you may be having? Relationship issues, school, emotional baggage...everything. This particular article on the Hope Line website outlines the questions they frequently get regarding military relationships. Two counselors discuss the advice they have given over the years in regards to these questions. They focus on both sides; the soldier AND the significant other left at home. It is a fantastic article and gives wonderful advice that I really needed. You may find it helpful as well. Here is a link to the article.  And remember, The Hope Line is there for whatever you may need. If you need help or just someone to talk to, a Hope Coach is ready and available!

Love Comes In All Shapes and Sizes

So far, I have spoken about long distance/military relationships, and about how difficult and rewarding they can be. But, I have made sure to be careful of my terminology because I wanted to keep my posts as open and relevant to everyone as possible. However, in this post, I want to address the fact that love does in fact come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn't matter if you are white, black, straight, gay, military or not...when you fall in love with someone, you make it work. This is the story of a lesbian couple who is making their military relationship work, despite the controversy of Don't Ask Don't Tell. This is a fantastic example of a couple pushing against the odds to make their love work.

Loving From A Distance

I was browsing the internet and found a really cool website called Loving From A Distance dedicated to long distance couples! They have relationship advice, activity ideas, and more! Take a few minutes and browse the site!

Click here to visit site!

Lessons Dating A Service Member Has Taught Me

Dating a military member has been a very eye opening experience. I guess I didn't realize going into it how much I would change as a result of my relationship. I have gained knowledge, insight, compassion, and patience. I have discovered things about myself and how I wish to continue with my life, and who I want to be a part of it. I've discovered that I am stronger than I thought I was, and I am more independent than I realized. Many things are revealed to us when we take chances, especially in romantic situations. I found an article asking military wives what lessons they learned by dating a man in the military. The answers were honest, raw and so easy to relate to. Here are some of their responses:


 The importance of communication, patience and faith in our love!

The military isn’t forever, but our relationship is. So work to make sure it lasts.

You CANNOT take lack of communication personally.  There is nothing you did wrong… sometimes they really just CAN’T talk.

Continue to live your life as “normally” as possible until they are safe home again in your arms.

Transitioning to the “civilian” world is not as easy for the service member as it might seem.

 I have learned to always tell my service member that the sacrifices they are making are being noticed.

Regardless of the danger, you cannot think about the “possibilities”, but only the here, now and reality of your relationship.

The military manages their time. They don’t have a choice. You have to understand and accept that.

And my personal favorite: 
 When you find the right person, it doesn’t matter what they do… you just make it work.


To read the full article, click Here!


photo source: http://militaryspouse.com/career/50-lessons-dating-a-service-member-has-taught-me/

The Lake House

I don't know about you, but I enjoy movies that make me think. I love decoding mysteries and piecing together puzzles as a film progresses. That's one of the reasons I love The Lake House so much.
The other reason I love it so much is because it tells the story of a couple who fights every odd - distance, time, tragedy - to be together. Alex and Kate fall in love through letters. They exist two years apart, and come together through a lake house they had both lived in at one time.While the film does have a bit of a fantastical sense to it (what with the time travel and all), I think it speaks on a deeper level, especially to those in long distance relationships. I know what it's like to feel like you are in a completely different world than your significant other. I know how it feels to wait days or months to hear from someone you love. I know the heartache of wondering if it's even worth it. But, I also know the complete relief and joy of finally seeing your partner after so long. While this movie is entertaining and puzzling, it reminds us that love is difficult and frustrating, but when you find who you are meant to be with no distance or barrier can keep you apart.

What is an MRE?

The next time you have a conversation with a service member, take a moment and ask them how they feel about MRE's. Chances are, they'll cringe.  What is an MRE you ask? Well it is an acronym that stands for Meal Read to Eat. They are notorious for being barely edible and only good for basic nutrition. But is that really true? In this video, a few civilians try an MRE for the first time and put this military technology to the test!

video source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E8HirPLWDg

Military Lingo

One of the most challenging (and humorous) aspects of dating a military member is decoding their lingo. The military, like any other specialized field, has a unique system of jargon used by its members. However, for those of us at home, our significant other might as well be speaking a foreign language. There have been several times when I have been on the phone with my boyfriend and have to ask him to clarify his comments. The term I like to use is "civilian speak." I think this other language is fascinating, and some of them are downright hilarious. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Bravo Zulu

Civilian speak: Well done or good job

2. Tango Mike

Civilian speak: Thanks Much

3. Secret Squirrel 

Civilian speak: Highly classified

4. "Cover my 6"

Civilian speak: "Watch my back"

5. Blue Falcon

Civilian speak: used to describe a soldier who screws over another soldier

6. Hooah!

Civilian speak: an exclamation of excitement

7.  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Civilian speak: WTF 

8. Crumb Catcher

Civilian speak: Mouth

9. Dittybooper

Civilian speak: refers to signals used by intelligence radio operators trained to utilize Morse Code.


10. Gone Elvis

Civilian speak: a service member who has gone missing


11. Soup Sandwich

Civilian speak: a mission, individual, object or situation that has gone horribly wrong.


12. Rainbow

Civilian speak: a new recruit in basic training


13. Barney Style

Civilian speak: to explain something in very simple terms

14. Football Bat

Civilian speak: a particular way of doing things that is odd or abnormal

15. Oxygen Thief

Civilian speak: an individual who is very stupid or seemingly useless

Know any fun military jargon you didn't see on the list? Comment below! 

Sources:

 http://www.military.com/join-armed-forces/military-terms-and-jargon.html

 http://www.npr.org/blogs/parallels/2013/12/04/248816232/u-s-military-lingo-the-almost-definitive-guide

The Five Love Languages: Military Edition

"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."
 - Dr. Gary Chapman

In 1995, Dr. Gary Chapman, a highly esteemed relationship counselor  published the first edition of his book The Five Love Languages. He had developed a theory based on 5 specific "languages" people feel and convey love to others: 

-Words of Affirmation

-Quality Time

-Gifts

-Acts of Service

-Physical Touch.

 In the books, he examined each language thoroughly, and outlined practical ways in which couples can discover their own individual love language and use it to love one another more effectively. In 2013, Dr. Chapman partnered with author Jocelyn Green and published a military edition, geared specifically to military members and their partners. Dr. Chapman understood that military relationships function under a very unique dynamic, and require unique attention in order to thrive. In this new edition, he outlines specific ways that military couples can strengthen by utilizing each other's love language. Here are some examples; 

1.  Words of Affirmation:

• "Before deployment, write love notes and secretly tuck them away in various places in the service member's bag."
• "If you (partner) is stressed when he or she calls you, allow them the opportunity to vent. Don't try to fix the situation unless asked."
• "Share what you love, admire, or respect about your (partner) in a letter or during one of your phone or internet calls."

2. Quality Time:

• "Create your own website together. Post all your news and latest photos weekly for your sweetheart. Write an online journal to keep your loved one up-to-date."
• "Make a scrapbook of things that took place while the service member was away. You'll spend quality time reliving the memories with him or her after homecoming."
• "Tell your (partner) things like, 'I can't wait to spend a day ___ with you again.' Fill in the black with a favorite shared activity."

3. Gifts

• "Send your service member care packages with favorite baked items and something he enjoys having, such as a special soap, food items, etc."
• "Service member, bring home unique gifts for your (partner). Tell her when you've purchased it just so she knows you've been thinking about her."
• "Create a coupon book for your (partner) to redeem when you are together again."

4.  Acts of Service

• "Create a special place where your service member can relax after returning home."
• "Service member, if your (partner) is ill, email friends near her and alert them. Ask (them) to bring meals or make a run to the pharmacy."
• "Connect with your (partner's parents) and ask them to share recipes that were meaningful to them when (they) were growing up. Make a family recipe book and tell him about it."

5. Physical Touch

• "Send handwritten letters. Unlike emails, these are tangible pieces of your love that your (partner) can touch."
• "Spray some perfume or cologne you normally wear on a card or piece of fabric and send it to your (partner)."
• Service members, arrange for a professional massage for your (partner) at home."

I highly recommend both editions of this book. It not only provides personal insight, but also reveals details about your partner's inner personality. When you understand one another on a deeper and more emotional level, you can dig further into your relationship and show love in the specific and unique way you each crave. The ideas above are only a few of the many ways you can utilize your sweetheart's language. Once you've determined what your languages are, create your own ideas for making your loved one feel special! 

*Don't know what your love language is? Here's a quick quiz that can help you find out!

• http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Pictures found at:

www.barnesandnoble.com

www.slate.com

Surprise Military Homecomings

If you know me even a little bit, you will know I am a sucker for a happy ending. The previous video I posted showed the complicated side of military homecomings, but this next video demonstrates exactly what we here at home wait months--even years-- for. I LOVE seeing moments like this, especially because I have experienced the excitement and relief of welcoming home a military member. It is an incomparable feeling that I know anyone with a significant other or spouse in the  military can vouch for. I dare you not to cry while watching this video. (:

22 Questions Everyone In A Long Distance Relationship is Sick of Answering

So, basically Buzzfeed is the greatest website on the planet. I was perusing the site a few days ago and found this article. It is so hilarious and true. This article is so spot on, I couldn't have said it better myself. Enjoy!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/questions-everyone-in-a-long-distance-relationship-is-sic#.nieK9RW3D

Long Distance Date Ideas

As I have stated before, long distance relationships require a great deal of creativity in order to succeed. Because you cannot be with your significant other in person, you will need to think of innovative ways of doing things as a couple while you are miles apart. So, I have compiled a list of date ideas that can be done from far away.

*Warning: Some of these will be corny and cliche, but that's okay. Keep an open mind! If you are willing to show that you are determined to make things work with your long distance love, they will appreciate the effort despite how cheesy the date may be. Heck, some of the cheesiest dates I've ever been on have been the best!



1) Fancy Skype Date

This date is great because it entails all the classic components of a traditional dinner date, with the one exception of proximity to your partner. Even with that exception, the date can work just as well. All you'll need: a fancy outfit, some candles, food items, and your laptop. Position the laptop in front of you so you can look directly at your partner. Then proceed as if you were on an actual date. You can even pretend to be at an actual restaurant and order from a pretend waiter if you want to get theatrical. Make it fun! If there's a time difference like my boyfriend and I have, one of you may be eating dinner while the other is eating breakfast. That is perfectly okay. Mold this date so it works for the both of you. So get dressed up, buy flowers, light candles. Make it a special occasion.



2) Movie Date

I recently found a site called Rabbit (www.rabb.it) and it is AWESOME. This site allows you to control streaming services like Hulu or Netflix within the site and allow others to watch with you. Another cool feature about this site is that you can use your webcam and microphone on your computer while you're watching. There is also a chat bar to the side that you can type messages in if you don't want to interrupt the audio of the video you are watching. So, all you have to do is log on and send you significant other a link through their email which will take them to your control screen. From there, all you have to do is choose the movie/show and sit back and enjoy (:



3) Start a two person book club

Now, this idea takes a bit of homework. Choose a book together, and in your spare time read the "assigned" chapters. Then, once a week, schedule a time when you can call or Skype and discuss the book. If you're not into books, you can look at magazine articles or research a topic together. Get creative. Be unique. Find something you are both interested in, or choose a book you've both been dying to read. Or, find a book you've both read before and re-read it together. This can be really fun with classics. Just make sure that you keep up with the reading and are ready to discuss your chapters in depth when you call!


4) Have a picnic

This one is similar to the Fancy Skype Date, but takes a bit less work. With this, you can choose whether you want to legitimately Skype or call them, or you can simply take pictures of the place you are at since you will be in public. Gather picnic items (or just grab coffee) then go find a quiet park bench or table, and send pictures of where you are. Discuss what you see, hear, and smell. Ask them what they see. What is happening where they are? Are they in a park? At a cafe? Enjoy your time in the place you've chosen while they describe their place to you. This can be fun if your significant other has a favorite place that they've been wanting to show you, or if you've been wanting to take them somewhere that they haven't visited yet. If your love is in the military, this gives you a chance to really take in and understand their environment. This date can also be really great for working on communication.




Hopefully these ideas sparked some inspiration for you and your loved one! If you have any ideas you didn't see on this list, leave a comment telling me about them!
















Images found:
www.theprospect.net
www.rabb.it
www.lisadabbs.com
hdw.eweb4.com

How To Build An Awesome Care Package

Care packages can be a fun and creative way to keep in touch with your long distance loved one. Even though they are most commonly associated with military members, anyone living far away from their special someone can create one of these packages for a unique and personal gift. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to create an awesome care package that is sure to impress!

1) Gather Supplies

• Since it is February, I decided to create a Valentine's Day themed care package for my boyfriend. I used red and pink materials to decorate the box and the gifts inside were primarily red and pink as well. Whatever theme you decide for your package, picking creative materials and decorations will give a personal touch to your package. For mine, I chose a large box (the USPS provides flat-rate boxes that are ideal for postage and lends themselves well to decorating), cork board sheets, glitter alphabet stickers, and Valentine themed owl stickers. You will also need scissors and glue.

2) Decorate Box

• When you pick up the box from the post office, they may not have any boxes already assembled. You can either do this yourself or ask one of the employees to put it together for you. After your box is assembled, gather your supplies. Take the corkboard (you may use decorated paper if you would like) and cut it in the dimensions of each quadrant of the box (bottom, each inside square, and each outside flap).

• Make sure your edges are straight and your dimensions are precise. When you are finished putting your box together, the top folds will need to be folded and closed. If the corkboard overlaps, the box won't close properly and it also might ruin the inside of the box.

• Now, decide what phrase or message you want to add onto your box. Since my package is  Valentine's themed, I chose the phrase, "Will you be my Valentine?" Take your alphabet stickers and spell out your message before you add them to the box; this is so you know you have enough letters and that everything is spelled correctly. Once your phrase is laid out, begin attaching your letters to the box. If the sticky part of your letters does not adhere to the box, you may want to use some glue to reinforce them. Be creative with how you display your message! Spreading your words across each top flap will help to make your letters pop!

• Once your letters are glued firmly to the box, you can begin attaching your other decorations! Have fun with this! Choose stickers, glitter, beads, pictures, you can even draw! I chose to keep mine simple and added a few owl and heart stickers I found at Michael's.

• Once your box is complete, and decorated to your liking, you can now move on to the items you will be putting inside!

3) Filling the Care Package

• This is the most personal and time consuming part of this project. It is important to choose items and gifts that are going to show your loved one just how much you care. Snacks and other food items are an easy and fun idea, but make sure it's nothing that will spoil during the delivery process. Other items you might want to include are pictures, books, and cards or letters you've written. For military personnel, handwritten letters and pictures are some of the most precious items them own while they are deployed. Keeping your package personal will make your significant other feel loved and embraced even though they are far away.

4) Completing the Box

• After you've purchased and gathered all of the items your are going to include in your package, go ahead and arrange them inside the box. This may take a bit of planning, and can feel a bit like a game of Tetris. It may be a good idea to include some colored tissue paper or some other kind of filler to put in between the spaces of your box. This will keep the items from shaking around or breaking during delivery.

After everything is inside the box and arranged properly, close the flaps and tape them down. Write yours and your loved one's address on the box and return it to the post office for shipping. Your job is done! Now you can sit back and relax while you wait for your loved one to receive the package. The best part about care packages is that they are a perfect gift for any occasion or season. You don't even need a particular reason to send one. You can send a large care package like the one I showed you how to make, or you can create a smaller one that include smaller items. They are a fun and creative way to show your love across a long distance. And who knows, your package may inspire them to send one back to you!

Soldiers Are Just Like Us

When I watched this video for the first time, I was blown away by how accurate it was. I immediately sent my boyfriend the link and after he watched it he sent me a message saying, "That was too real." Coming home from a deployment is an exciting event, but for the solider is can also be a bit stressful and overwhelming. It's hard for us at home to anticipate what they will be feeling when they arrive, but often times they are just happy to be home with the people they love. Even though they have been gone for a while doesn't mean they are a different person. Sure, they have grown and been molded by their experiences. But, deep down, they are still just like us. If you've ever had a loved one come home from a deployment, or have come home from a deployment yourself, I think you will closely relate to this video. It's a good reminder to those of us here at home that while we are waiting for our loved ones to come home, they are waiting just as eagerly to come home to us.





video source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahcarbiener/awkward-things-people-say-to-soldiers#.pt5G4OBwx

Communication

Dating long distance isn't something people typically seek out when looking for a potential partner. There is a distinct stigma on long distance relationships in today's society, despite the vast amount of new communication technology. When I tell people my boyfriend lives in South Korea, I usually get a surprised expression mixed with a well-meaning "Oh wow, that's so far away." I usually smile and agree politely, but inside I'm just thinking, "If you only knew." Dating long distance is a special circumstance that one can only understood by experience. Even if your significant other is only a few towns away, there is a distinct void that can be felt by the simple fact that you are apart.

However, not EVERYTHING about long distance is sad or horrible. It can actually work pretty well once you get into the swing of things.The biggest factor that plays into a successful long distance relationship is communication. Because face-to-face conversations aren't always feasible, it is up to the both of you to communicate clearly and openly with one another in order to keep your relationship strong. This can be tough in the beginning, especially if you didn't have an established friendship with this person before you started dating. Getting to know someone over text and Skype is difficult...but not impossible. This actually opens some interesting doors that might have otherwise been closed in a traditional relationship.

DOOR 1: You rarely run out of things to talk about.

Because you aren't together 24/7, you build up discussion topics to want to share with your significant other the next time you talk. If there is a major time zone difference or your boyfriend/girlfriend can only talk on weekends, you create a mental checklist of things you want to tell them, and when you finally get to talk, the conversation is continual and interesting. And even if the conversation does stall, you can always talk about how the weather is where you are.

DOOR 2: You aren't expected to keep in constant contact.

One of the major issues with technology today is that we are constantly connected to one another. Whether we are Facebooking, Tweeting, texting, emailing or Snapchatting, we are always communicating with one another. An upside to long distance relationships, especially military ones, is that your significant other will most likely understand if you can't reply right away or if you have to wait til the weekend to call. There is a 14 hour time difference between my boyfriend and I, and we've gotten on a pretty predictable schedule of when we can talk. We still communicate regularly, but we understand that we are both busy, and talking all the time isn't reasonable. Plus, when you aren't expected to be in constant contact with someone, you can freely go about your day and take care of what you need to without worrying about checking in all the time.

DOOR 3: Communication becomes creative.

When you live thousands of miles away from the person you love, you find that talking and texting don't always do your feelings justice. So, when a phone call just won't do, you can break out your stationary and your favorite pens and write letters and cards and notes to your significant other. This, along with care packages, post cards, and other small gifts are like treasure to military members. And even if your love isn't in the military, a handwritten letter or a personally assembled package will meant the world to them because it shows that you took the time and effort to express just how special they are to you. Letters are also far more personal and intimate than texts and emails. They are a physical piece of matter that they can keep and read over and over again to remind themselves of how much they love you. And if they write back, you can do the same.




 So you see? Even though the initial feeling of communicating long distance seems difficult, it can actually be quite advantageous if you look at it from the right angle. And remember, it will probably be difficult at first. And that's okay. Any relationship has it's "figuring it out" phase. But once you do figure it out, you will find that those original fears start to fade away, and the task at had doesn't seem so daunting.



*image from images.frompo.com

Introduction

Hello! My name is Marissa Meis and I am a sophomore at Washburn University. I have been in a relationship for almost a year now, and a vast majority of the relationship has been long distance. My boyfriend is currently serving as a paralegal for the United States Army, and is stationed in South Korea. His total deployment  is one year, of which he has served seven months so far. This blog is dedicated to documenting the journey of dating long distance, as well as outlining the aspects of a relationship with a member of the Armed Forces. I know many people who are currently in a long-distance relationship, and military or not, they take an incredible amount of commitment and trust. I want to be here for those navigating the ups and downs of having a significant other living miles away and/or serving their country in uniform. I am right here with you. It is frustrating and overwhelming sometimes, but anyone who is in my position knows that those anticipated homecomings make it all worth it. It has been an eye-opening experience, and I know I still have much to learn. I hope you take this journey with me.